All About Me
My name is Vicky, I can’t tell you how long I have wanted to create a place where people could come and feel safe, where they could share their hurt and pain without being judged, it is a comforting feeling to know you are not alone and I hope with all my heart that people will find such a place here.
I was a normal little girl, I loved my dolls and my teddies and probably like most little girls I dreamed of becoming a singer. I’d spend hours in my bedroom singing into my brush and dancing around on my bed as if it was a stage.
At 7 years old I lost my innocence, my grandad who I loved dearly took a part of me that I would never be able to get back. I didn’t understand the seriousness of what happened to me at that age, I think at 7 years old you are very trusting to the adults around and when my abuser told me that it was a special game that was played by adults with children it never occurred to me that it wasn’t normal. This was an isolated incident so although confused by this new game that I wasn’t allowed to tell anyone I managed to forget it even happened.
The years following this incident were like nothing had ever happened, I was once again a happy little girl, and I loved my mum and dad so much I would look forward to our family holidays and days out. I even looked forward to seeing my Nan and grandad, which wasn’t that often as they lived a few hours drive away from us.
I was 12 years old when my mum announced that we would be spending most of the 6 weeks holiday with my Nan and grandad. My brother and I was so excited, I mean who wouldn’t be spending weeks being completely spoilt. Little did I know that during this time my grandad would abuse me at a level which still makes me feel sick to the stomach. What I endured during these few weeks is probably unimaginable to most, I don’t even know now how a girl of 12 years old was capable of suffering that kind of rape and abuse for so long without needing hospital treatment, but somehow I survived.
When I returned home I was very withdrawn and nervous but was determined to keep the games a secret through fear of the outcome. I had even convinced myself that these games were played by most children with there grandads.
My nan and grandad were due to come and spend Christmas with us, and I grew more and more scared at the thought of having to play the games that I hated so much, eventually I confided in a friend at school who told a teacher.. My parents were informed.
Over the next few years all contact was stopped between us and my grandparents he had obviously denied it and my mum decided for all of us that it would be best kept in the family. My mum and dad struggled with it and when they couldn’t cope my mums friend met me from school and I stayed with her until my mum felt able to deal with it again.
At 14 years old my mum sat me down and told me that they would need to visit my nan as she was very ill… during the weekends when they would visit I would be left at home alone, I would cry the whole time, I felt completely abandoned and like I was being punished.. He had lost nothing and I had lost everything. The visits continued over the next few months, my mum telling me they were looking for a suitable residential home for my Nan. At 15 years old I took an overdose, I really couldn’t see any other way out I felt alone and let down, although I was protected I felt unsupported.
I saw various counsellors and psychiatrists but because I had never spoken in detail about what happened I was unable to open up. Looking back i am not surprised I couldn’t talk I was told by my abuser that it was a secret and then when it did come out I was told by my mum that it should be kept in the family and not spoken about.
I met Luke in 1997, I was 17 years old. I loved him instantly; we got married when I was 20 years old. He has been amazing… when I first met him I was still very unstable I had nightmares and flashbacks and he persevered with me through all of those times, even when I pushed him away he remained by my side.
All I had ever wanted was a family of my own, it was the most important thing in my life, although I was convinced that I was ‘damaged’ I even told Luke when we met that I couldn’t have children so when we became sexually active we never used any contraception. I fell pregnant at 19 years old but unfortunately miscarried our baby at 6 weeks.. I was devastated. Over the next few years we did some travelling but continued trying for a baby, we said we would leave it down to fate.
I am 27 years old now and have had a number of failed fertility treatments including 2 failed IVF’s. We saw our consultant shortly after our 2nd failed IVF where we were given the devastating news that the neck of my cervix is completely bent and in his words ‘damaged’ My husband asked him if this could be down to the abuse I suffered as a child and he said that most likely it was. I am still struggling with this news but I refuse to give up. I no longer think of myself as a victim but as a SURVIVOR.
This website will not provide answers as I am still looking for them myself but I hope from the bottom of my heart that together we can heal and move forward. There is no need to suffer alone!!!!
Love and hugs,
Vicky Scott.
A special thank you to a wonderful friend of mine for helping me set up this amazing website, Deanne I couldn’t have done it without you and I thank you with all my heart for making this possible.. You are an amazing person and a complete inspiration.. I am very lucky to have you as part of my life.
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