Poems
I sit alone in my room
and wipe away my tears
hiding beneath my covers
so no one else hears
i wrap them tight around me
to shut out all the pain
praying if there is a god
he'll make me safe again.
I snuggle deep into my bed
holding the covers tight
cuddling my little teddy bear
i leave on the light
i wait for the assurance
that everyone's in bed
i settle down a little more
so i can dream instead.
I wake at the sound of footsteps
walking down the hall
he stops outside my room
and opens up the door
i shiver with my childlike fear
and i start to cry
knowing what he has come here for
though i don't know the reason why.
He tells me that i'm special
his precious little girl
as he pulls back the covers
into my silent world
i know its our secret
the special games we play
for no one else would understand
they'd just take me away.
I lay there in my silence
with my clothes on the floor
trying not to think of it
as my tears slowly fall
i hear the clock ticking
as my mind drifts away
my teddy bear beside me
where he also lay.
I pull up the covers
as he rises from my bed
tweaking at my little nose
and kissing my forehead
i watch him as he dresses
as he tells me once again
this is our little secret
i mustn't say a thing.
I watch as he leaves my room
and closes the door
and listen for his footsteps
walking back down the hall
i cuddle up to teddy
and cry my silent tears
beneath the soiled covers
so no one else can hear.
and as i lay in silence
with my tear-filled eyes
each time that he comes to me
a part of me dies
i curl up in my bed
and hug my teddy tight
and pray that he will never
come to me again at night.
Child Inside
I was only a child when it began
late at night, when i was alone.
You preyed on my innocence and my trust.
how did i know that it was wrong?
You did things so horrible to me,
my soul and body were bared.
What you did to that little girl
left me feeling alone and scared.
You said it was to show your love
by taking my body for your use.
But now i know that what happened to me
wasn't love, it was abuse.
All the dirty things you did to me
won't wash away with rain.
Nothing on earth will rid my heart
of this neverending pain.
I hope that your in hell now and hurt as
much as me,
or do you even remember what you did?
Nothing will make up for the pain you caused
when i was just a kid.
The physical scars you put on my body
have since healed with time.
But my pain still shows on the outside
whenever the child inside of me starts to cry.
That little innocent girl
had to grow up way too soon.
And all of the hurt and pain that you have caused
will always be remembered, my future is runined.
I Am…
I was the child
who was used,
I was the child
who suffered abuse.
I was the child
who got raped,
I was the child
given a dirty slate.
I was the child
that held it all in,
I was the child
given this sin.
I was the child
who told a friend,
I was the child
whose pain didn't end.
I am the adult
still suffering inside
I am the adult
part of me has died.
I am the adult
that wonders whats left,
I am the adult
that thinks about death.
I am the adult
that crys when alone,
I am the adult
the damage is done.
I am the adult
whose nightmares replace dreams,
Am i an adult?
"NO" my inner child screams.
Dark
In the dark.. she hears him breathing
as she lay tucked there in her bed
"please don't make me do this.."
she gently whispers in her head.
"Wake up" she hears him whisper
as she feels the covers slowly rise
and she knows what happens next
and she fights the tears back in her eyes.
"you know you're grandads special girl"
he says
as his hands play beneath her night shirt
slowly moving into her knickers
and oh, god, how it hurts.
And as he continues doing things..
she wonders how much longer this will last.
inside her body trembles.. shakes..
and she prays that it will be over fast.
Quietly she lay there in the dark
listening to all the things he said
"please don't make me do this.."
she gently whispers in her head
Little Girl
I see in my minds eye,
a frightened little girl,
she lingers in my memories,
she dwell within my world.
I'm able to hear her thoughts,
and i know just how she feels,
even if no one else sees her
to me she's very real.
I've shared in the tears shes cried
from the abuse we both endured,
yet we are separate people
living in out own small worlds.
She comes to me each night
when my heart begins to race,
from the fear that filled my childhood
and she gives me a warm embrace.
"Everything will be alright"
she whispers in my ear,
"He has gone now, so you have nothing to fear"
Yet even though i know this
the fear returns each night,
it taunts me as if it says to me,
"you'll never feel safe at night".
Sweet Child
My sweet little child, why do you cry?
What could of happened to put the tears in your eye?
Only I can see the tears you shed,
because you exist only here in my head!
That's all that's left of you little one,
He destroyed you when he had his fun.
I tried to hold on, I reach for your hand,
but the grasp slipped away like shifting sand.
I saw you falling further & further
away,
As he molded your destruction like a lump of clay.
What's it like to be a child, innocent & free?
To skip, run & jump in joy & glee.
With out a worry in the world of the monster
that lurks
waiting in the wings to cause your hurt.
I feel your pain everytime you cry,
why this happened little child, I don't know why!
But it did, & that cannot be changed,
The person who done this, must be deranged!
Don't cry little one, I know how you feel.
Come take my hand now, as we begin to heal.
It wasn't your fault
tears wash her baby face
silently like the raindrops
tapping outside her window
she remains curled in the corner
of her tiny room
shaking limply with the fear
of his return
she pulls her shirt over her knees
to cover the jagged pieces
of what he left of her
the creaking sound of footsteps
echo in her ears
she shuts her eyes as tight as she can
as the footsteps creak closer and closer
utter silence sweeps the air
she opens her eyes with a sense of relief
only to find him standing before her
with a chilling grin on his dampened face
fear dries the wetness from her eyes
he covers her like a blanket
scorching and tearing at her small body
ripping her apart little by little
he pulls away and looks down upon her
pride playing in his cold eyes
faint whimpers escape her breath
as she struggles to pull herself together
she crawls back to her safe corner
her body wet with blood and tears
aching and burning from the inside
the thumping of her little heart
pulses throughout her being
footsteps trail away in a distance
a comforting voice whispers in the
darkness of the room faintly
I'm sorry
I love you
little girl
it wasn't your fault....
Stop
Please stop look at what you are doing
You must know this isn’t right
Please stop don’t carry on
I’m too weak now to fight
A sick feeling in my stomach
A pleading look on my face
I beg you not to
As my heart begins to race
Tears rolling down my cheeks
My body is all tense
You must know I don’t like it
Where’s you common sense
I said stop I said no
What more can I do
I’m just a kid you’re an adult
I’m not as strong as you
Pain runs through my body
I start to scream out
Your hand finds my mouth
Keeps me from trying to shout
You still don’t stop
Just keep on going on
It seems like forever
But it can’t have been that long
I can’t believe this is happening
This is my worst fear
Yet you still don’t stop
Even with more of my tears
You’ve ruined my whole life
Just by doing that
I can’t even say what it is
I’m too ashamed to admit it
Please stop look at what you are doing
You must know this isn’t right
Please stop don’t carry on
I can no longer fight.
Princess
"It's our little secret."
He said to me,
"You're a special little girl,
Just wait and see."
He climbs in beside me
and touches my skin,
"Oh my precious little princess,
where do I begin."
His hands all over me,
Can't he see my cry,
But nothing deters him,
I want to curl up and die.
His breathing so heavy now,
His grip is so tight,
"You like me doing this princess,
Isn't that right."
"NO", I silently scream out
"Don't hurt me no more."
But he just keeps on going
Till I'm bleeding and sore.
It's over at last,
He gets up and leaves,
I'm left with the pain,
Left with the tears.
All I hear are his words,
Echoing in my ears,
"it's out little secret."
A secret kept for so many years.
I wake up sweating,
Engulfed in pain and fear,
I hear somebody screaming,
And realise it's me.....
Until the next night
My eyes shut tight,
Screams rising inside,
No words do I speak,
No sounds from my mouth.
My cowardice appals me,
My weakness a joke,
Fear rising inside me,
Can't breath.. I begin to choke.
Silent tears blinding me,
The panic sets in,
Still no words do I speak,
I cry silently and hold it all in.
The pain's deep inside now,
There seems like no end,
Until finally it's over,
He leaves my bed.
Lying there bleeding and broken,
I still keep the tears in,
And just thank god it's over now,
Till the next night it begins..
Lost Innocence
Looking back on a time and place
Seeing a childs innocent face.
Knowing that things aren't as they appear
For inside she cries silent tears.
Deep inside she is filled with pain
She feels dirty and full of shame.
Innocence lost at a very young age
Locked this child in a pain filled cage.
There is no freedom or escape
From the fact this child was raped.
While the guilty man roamed free
The child was sentenced to eternity.
Eternity locked away with all this shame
She can't help but feel she was to blame.
Even though common sense says it was not her fault
She can't seem to help from having these thoughts.
What ifs keep running through her mind
She keeps going back to those moments in time.
If there isn't something different she could have done
Why didn't she scream or at least try to run.
Fear kept her frozen to the spot
While this grown man did what he should have not.
Shame and fear made her keep the silence
Kept her from telling anyone about the violence.
The thing that is shocking beyond belief
Is that this child could not get any relief.
The same thing happened again and again
The first one was just how it began.
More than once a night he did his worst
Never caring about the child he hurt.
After the first time was it easy to tell
Was it her pain and shame he could smell.
With every touch a part of her died
He didn't stop when she screamed and cried.
Squeezing and holding her teddy tight
As he raped and abused her all through the night.
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